by: Patrick O’Riley
What better way to travel across the country with your best friend than in man’s best friend? The only major drawback is the conspicuous nature of driving a dog around. Cops can pick you out of a traffic jam with no trouble at all. While I appreciate the joke in the film, I was always confused how the police were able to gauge the year of a van completely covered in fur. That said, the van is amazing. Who knew shag looked even better on the outside of a car? I’d have a hard time ditching this one, even if I did find a briefcase full of money. However, in a bad spot, I might be convinced to trade it for a Taco 22. You’re it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies. Triple stamped it.
9. Marijuana Van (1976 Chevrolet Step Van)
This van really doesn’t go that fast, and considering how baked the driver would have to be, he probably wouldn’t be pinning the needle either. But who cares? It’s a van made out of marijuana! Excellent resale value, entirely dependent on the mileage. Besides, if somebody in a hurry decides to tailgate me, the contact high should mellow them out enough to stop honking. Hey, how am I driving man? I think we’re parked.
After I get this one we can start doing the podcast on CB radio. The only real downside to this one is that you can’t drive any faster than you can see. I assume the six demon bag comes standard. These aren’t exactly the cheapest trucks in the world, but after a bit of Egg’s magic potion, maybe I can just pull a Lords of Death and just steal one. This is gonna take crackerjack timing. If I’m not back by dawn… call the president.
I know what some of you are thinking. Why the Explorer? Why not the Jeep Wrangler? After all, the Explorers spend a lot of the film locked into a track, or upside-down for that matter. The Wrangler’s are free to roam the park. Great for sightseeing at your own pace. The answer is quite simple, really, Tyrannosaurus Rex. If Nedry ruins the park, I don’t want to be driving around with nothing but a thin canvas between me and the monsters, I want a T-Rex-proof window serving as my vehicles roof. I don’t mind being on a track. It means I don’t have to drive. Besides, nobody who stayed in an Explorer got eaten, only the people who ran screaming from them. I loved Jurassic Park as a kid. I’m not gonna say I was obsessed with it, or that I shaved the JP symbol into my head, or that I was known by the better part of my fourth grade class as Jurassic Pat… but I won’t say those things didn’t happen either.
Any motor home with twin flame throwers is welcome in my imaginary garage. The ideal vehicle for zipping in and out of Czechoslovakia if such a place existed or perhaps just swinging over to HulkaBurger for a snack. Unfortunately for me, the only existing EM-50 is heavily guarded by military personnel (as seen above). Maybe I can trick somebody into letting me take it out for a wash.
Probably the most environmentally friendly car on the list, it runs on carbonated beverages. I’ll have to fix the leak in the distilling tubes before I offer anyone a ride, but it’ll be really easy to clean after I install the hsawaknow. It might not take me very far, and to be honest, I could probably walk faster than it runs, but if the Good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn’t have invented rollerskates. Unfortunately the only way to acquire this one is to inherit the factory.
On the opposite end of the fuel-efficiency spectrum you can find this oft-neglected monster of a truck from Tango & Cash. You can keep your Tumblers and your Landmasters, this is the truck for me. Besides, if Michael J. Pollard built it, it must be awesome right? It might not last especially long in the film, but maybe if they concentrated a little more on the road and a little less on breaking into Jack Palance’s hideout, it would have gotten the screen time it clearly deserves. I’m just now realizing how much Tango & Cash had in common with Big Trouble in Little China. Both movies feature Kurt Russel wearing lipstick and James Hong, but this film’s Desperate Housewife, is replaced with a Sex and the City girl.
Technically speaking, I should buy this first, then go back in time and invest in successful companies to afford the rest of the cars on this list, but that takes all the fun out of it. The DeLoreans in the second and third film had the stock engines replaced with Porsche engines. I’m thinking that’s the way to go. Also, I’d have to get the flying version with the Mr. Fusion option because otherwise it seems like more hassle than it’s worth, trading pinball machine parts for fuel. The biggest problem though, is finding a place in Los Angeles with enough empty road to get to 88mph. But I guess for the model I’m buying, we don’t need roads.
This one is the perfect compliment to a relaxing Sunday drive through the cemetery with Cat Steven’s Greatest Hits. The surprisingly spacious interior allows for the comfortable transporting of coffins, or relocating of trees, or even a pleasant afternoon of making out with your favorite old woman. Unfortunately the only existing model was driven off a cliff for the film so I’ll have to make it myself… a.k.a. pay someone to make it for me. It also holds the distinction of being one of only two funeral coaches I would approve for my own funeral. The other being…
I can’t think of a more appropriate vehicle to transport spirits who are not alive, but clearly not completely dead, than an Ambulance/Hearse. For a guy with three mortgages, Ray sure went all out, dropping 48 bills on a car that needs some suspension work; and shocks, and brakes, brake pads, lining, steering box, transmission, rear end work, and maybe new rings, also mufflers, a little wiring… But I guess the car paid for itself after their very first customers, the kind folks at the Sedgewick Hotel, were rid of Slimer the Class 5 full-roaming vapor. After buying this car, a set of proton packs, and the Hook and Ladder No. 8 Fire Station on 14 N. Moore Street in Manhattan, I can start my new career busting ghosts. It might take me a while to recoup my losses if I’m only making 11.5k a year though.
I had a rough time cutting this one, especially in light of Caradine’s recent passing. But if I included this, I would have to include Machine Gun Joe’s equally awesome car and then I’d be doubling up on Tango and Cash which is unfair to the rest of the drivers. Looks easy to clean too. Blood wipes right off.
This one is a little more obscure than the rest of the cars on the list. So obscure, in fact, that I haven’t seen the film it is featured in (Damnation Alley btw) nor has said film been released on DVD. Otherwise I would have tried to check it out before putting this list together. It looks pretty kick-ass though.
I hope it’s clear why this didn’t make the list. Would it really have been than hard to include in the film somewhere? This would be a sweet looking van in real life. Here’s hoping for the Turtle Van’s inclusion in the upcoming live-action Turtles movie Eastman and Laird have been talking up.
This would no doubt have made the top five if I had waited to put this list together next year after the release of the upcoming Green Hornet movie. They debuted this bad boy at Comic-con today and if I see this car on the Sony Lot any time soon I will be stealing it.
(Car pictures courtesy of imcdb.org)